June 8, 2010
Where the mind fails, instinct reigns supreme. For it knows not how to die. It will force me to keep riding. It will force me away from rock and stone, away from the emptiness of the valley and direct me directly into the path to life. It knows that in order for the survival instinct to survive, I, its host, must survive. And it will do all in its power to keep a breath in me.
The mind had since wandered. It looks back to summarize all that is past. It finds nothing for the Universe unceremoniously pissed my past into oblivion. I have no one to remember, none to forget. But perhaps the Universe was kind enough to salvage the joyful experiences. Perhaps I could relish them once more before I sink into oblivion.
"Indeed that was my intent", retorts the Universe.
I look within; to my horror I see nothing but emptiness. I look desperately under the debris, for perhaps a shard of joy. I find nothing.
"...but you have experienced nothing of worth.", completes the Universe.
"Why have you not?", it asks.
I have no answer.
"Was it I who denied you your worth? Or was it you that isolated yourself in a bid to escape me?"
I have no answer.
"Did you really believe you could escape me when it is me you inhabit?"
I have no answer; but I try.
"I thought you were being unfair. I wanted to have nothing to do with you.", I respond meekly.
"And yet your very core struggles to survive today. If you wished to have nothing to do with me, you would have, could have and should have done yourself in many moons ago. You did not. Your grandiose thoughts of worthlessness are impotent in the presence of your noble struggle to survive.
Who said I was fair? Who said I cared enough to be fair... or unfair for that matter? What makes you think any of this is for you or against you? You lament all that you lost. Who said it was yours to begin with? You lament meeting those that deceived you. Who said they wouldn't, couldn't or shouldn't? Was it I who made you believe that your race is moral, objective and ethical?
I will let you access your past, just for a brief moment. Look into it. Do you see what I see? I see betrayal but I rarely see faithfulness, I see lies, but I rarely see the truth, I see selfishness, but I rarely see selflessness. These are traits of your race. They always were, are and perhaps will always be. Why then have you held on to the hope that it will be otherwise?
Why would you delude yourself into believing in finding one that was faithful; one that was truthful; one that was honest. Such a person does not exist and if it does, your race will corrupt it and devour it, just as they did you. It was true when your race came to be, it is true today. You for one, are witness to this. And if you refuse to accept it, your demise is acceptable to the denizens of the system.
You lament so much for you have expectations of me that I care not to satisfy. If you wish to be in a fair, just and morally incorruptible world, find yourself another Universe, for in my domain, this never was, never has and never will be; not because I wish it, but because you, your race evolved to be one that actively encourages it.
But until you chose to remain within my existence, fathom the rules of the game and accept that unfairness is allowable and indeed the norm; immorality is an art; dishonesty a skill; unfaithfulness a necessary evil. For only if you understand the rules of the game, will you be able to play the players; will you be able to game the system, will you be able to derive from it the experiences you desire to experience.
Innocence has no place within me. Kill it, before it kills you. Evolve; learn their ways; survive; experience all that you can experience. And should you deem innocence a virtue (I do not), protect those that still possess it. Your race will corrupt them someday. Make no mistake, they will succeed every time as they have with you. All you can do is delay the awakening. Yes, an awakening it is, to the true nature of my being. What you call corrupt, I call enlightened.
As for the question of my fairness towards your kind; I care not. You, your race are just by-products. By-products that I had no intent to create and nor seek to destroy. Should you continue to exist through my existence, I shall do nothing to prevent it. And should your race be obliterated by a fraction of my being, I shall do nothing to avert it. You do not live because of me; you live inspite of me.
Experience all that you will. For there is no other virtuous virtue than to experience my being. Everything else is unnecessary detail."
30 minutes more to the ride and South Pullu surfaces to the horizon. I will not die today. Live I will to experience the experiences. And before the Universe disappears, I ask it one last question:
"If you do not care, why do you respond to my queries. Why do you teach me?"
As the wind dies down and the snow flakes turn gentle, the Universe whispers:
"All I am is a figment of your imagination. It wasn't me who taught you. It was you. Listen to your heart you have; for I have never spoken..."
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