June 15, 2010
It has begun. A day I had hoped never to see and yet, known have I all along, that it will come. Two of the family three have decided to discontinue their adventure, to return to their obligatory obligations. And in the shattered pieces of their dreams for eternal freedom, I see the death of my own. I turn my thoughts away; for I dare not anger my peace, one that seems to have followed in my footsteps in the days prior. I have felt it; and yet, its unfamiliar touch has made me sick to the bone. Perhaps I fear it for in embracing it, I admit... admit that the father I watched die with his hand held in mine, I have lost to eternity. Admit that the mother that withered away while I stood by watching helplessly watches me no more. And in its admittance, in a peace as certain as death, as certain as the absence of the here-after, I fear I will be unfaithful to their remembrance; for if their memories cause my heart to ache no more, what reason have I to think of them?
I wave the thoughts away as pointless philosophizing. A desperate need for misery for misery is all I have cared to know. I philosophize not to philosophize no more, for the amateur philosopher in I seldom yields thoughts of value. The Universe is a far better teacher than I, its lesson far more direct and precise. I shall await its next lesson. And if none shall be forth coming, I shall assume I have nothing to learn. Only its presence to experience. And even as my reverie begins to dematerialize, a fleeting thought slips away - "Look at who you've become. A runaway from your past - a deserter of your future." As the chill breeze pales my skin, I now fathom who I've really become. For unlike the past, this time, neither the thought, nor its source go unanswered. The thought is razed before it experiences the ether. The source is responded to as thus:
"Dear Self Pity and Self Loathing,
I thank you for your esteemed company in my formative years. Your services are no longer required. In parting, I have two words for you:
"Fuck you."
Sincerely,
Alankar Misra,
July 15, 2010."
My reverie dwindles away into insignificance.
We will spend the rest of the day idly in Leh. I will utilize the time to transfer pixels from camera and phone to the world wide web. It would appear that Inder has not let us down. A pen drive packed to the brim with our pixellations of the prior had awaited our return. He had done as he had promised.
Tomorrow, we turn to return.
