You would do nothing to stand with me today would you?
To celebrate, if only for a moment, my victory over my fears;
Over my anxiety, my nightmares, my apprehensions, my timidness;
But most of all, my innocence.
For I understand now that my innocence made you despise me;
Perhaps I should have known better;
Perhaps I should have handled you better;
Or perhaps I should have handled me better;
You certainly have handled yourself better.
I see you cradle in the love of a Universe that shunned me;
leaving me wondering what else I never was.
You did not attempt to teach me.
Perhaps you believed that my failures would accomplish the task in ways I would remember.
Did you not remember that I had too much to remember?
That I struggled to remember how it felt to be happy, content, peaceful, strong, relevant?
What would you have me remember if a little was all I could remember?
Perhaps I could have stood by your side more than I stood by your side.
Do you not know that I would if I could?
How could I help you stand when incapable was I to lean on myself.
Did I not return when I could only but limp?
You were my crutch, my support, my man-at-arms;
until you whisked yourself away,
taking with you the ground beneath me;
Indeed I am guilty of the same;
But I did not leave you for another.
Why did you not give me more time?
Was I not worth your while?
Or were you convinced that I would never succeed?
Have I not taken a step towards it today?
Oh what would you know;
How would you know;
For you have choose not to be present in my present;
You prefer to linger in my past.
Perhaps you tired of waiting.
Perhaps you tired of wanting.
Perhaps I took too long.
Perhaps you saw no future.
Perhaps there was no future.
Why did you make me believe there was?
Perhaps you recognized my naivity.
Perhaps you wished to protect me;
Perhaps you did not want expose me to the hard facts;
The fact that the good world I presumed to exist, did not;
The fact that the innocence I deemed you to possess, you did not;
Perhaps, no one did.
Perhaps I was the last of my kind;
Perhaps you did not want to see me go extinct.
Perhaps your attempt was not to deceive me,
But to save me from my own deceit.
But I see now that which you did not wish me to see;
I believe now that which you did not wish me to believe;
I do now that which you did not wish me to do;
I be now; that which you did not wish me to be;
A man I am now;
A boy I will never be.
I recognize now that you leave me forever;
I have known it; but struggled to admit it;
I have admitted it; but struggled to believe it;
Believe it I will.
For you have untangled our destinies;
Written off your promises to a poor choice of words;
Stuck a fork in my neck;
As I stood there... bloodied and speechless.
I do not need you to know how I do now;
I do not need you to know if I live or lie;
I do not need you to know if my hair turns grey;
or if I lose them to my wager with time;
I do not need you to know if I will make a good husband or a good father;
I do not care if you to know if I will even be a husband or a father.
I do not need you to know if I die happy;
For I too shall never know.
But I do need you to know this;
Today I handed in my slate to the Universe;
On it I list all that which I have accomplished;
and on it I list those that I think I disappointed;
And on it I list those that deceived me;
And on it I list those that loved me;
And on it I list your name;
Under every list, under every stage.
I ask it to guide me;
I ask it to reveal the relevance of my life;
I ask it to show me the road beyond.
I ask it to judge me;
I expect to get a D-.
What I get in return is a slate wiped clean;
Clear and prestine;
Wiped clean of all that was past;
Wiped clean of all that was you;
Wiped clean of all that was we;
I realize now what the Universe knew all along;
There was no we;
There never will be.
And in the nothingness of my slate;
I see the message loud and clear.
Start over.
Whenever you like.
As often as you like.
For I, the Universe,
Don't really give a shit.
Adieu and warm regards,
~ AM
Facebook update: Leh. :) :) :)
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